Our country is going through rough times. Republicans and Democrats just can’t seem to agree on one crucial issue: the matter of what women do and don’t get to do with their own bodies. We hate to see our great nation torn apart by this kind of conflict. That’s why we’re proposing a few modest changes to the way we think about family planning and birth control. Don’t worry guys — you’ll learn to enjoy it!
Here are just a few of our fresh ideas for a happier, more harmonized America.
1. What They Say: According to the religious right, an embryo is considered a viable life form after six weeks and one day.
Our Answer: Great! In that case, DNA testing will begin between six and eight weeks into a pregnancy. This will require the father to immediately begin paying child support. Fathers who refuse to pay will get a mandatory vasectomy — while serving their term in prison, of course!
2. What They Say: The prevention of pregnancy is different than the prevention of childbirth.
Our Answer: Makes sense to us. In that case, sex without a condom should become an aggravated assault charge for men, complete with a minimum sentence of two years in jail.
3. What They Say: It’s a woman’s fault if she gets pregnant.
Our Answer: Not anymore! Now men have to take the pill even if there’s a lot of awful side effects. Women have been enduring them for decades, so we don’t see an issue here. If men don’t comply, they can have a mandatory vasectomy instead!
4. What They Say: Pregnancy is God’s will.
Our Answer: So is erectile dysfunction! If you suffer from poor performance in bed, good luck getting a hold of Viagra without permission from your partner or spouse and a waiting period of 2+ months. You’ll have to deal with some serious gatekeeping courtesy of our new “Prop Flop” flaccidity legislation.
Women have been enduring birth control side effects for years, so we don’t see a problem.
5. What They Say: Every sperm is sacred.
Our Answer: Not a problem: under the new laws, any ejaculation that doesn’t take place inside of a ready and willing vagina for the purpose of procreation is now a criminal act. No exceptions, including porn and sex toys. Sorry, boys!
6. What They Say: Rape is a women’s issue.
Our Answer: So let’s remove the temptation! From now on, married men must wear chastity devices outside the home. Particularly male politicians — we want to make sure predators aren’t roaming the streets unchecked.
7. What They Say: Boys will be boys.
Our Answer: Couldn’t agree more. That’s why chemical castration is now the de facto punishment for all sex offenders. It can only be reversed by a partner’s consent after a period of 4 months. Any pharmacist who reverses this state-sanctioned solution without spousal permission gets arrested. You’re welcome!
Chemical castration is now the de facto punishment for all sex offenders. You’re welcome!
The dangerous thing about lawmakers who propose these anti-abortion laws is that they’re trying to create a world where women aren’t allowed to access the medical resources they want and need. People who are considering their options when it comes to childbirth, birth control, and sexual health should never have to answer to the government when making choices about their own bodies. This country was built on the promise of personal freedom. That means that a person’s right to choose is implicitly protected by the Constitution, whether lawmakers like it or not.
This is a manufactured crisis.
We see the issue popping up every Presidential election cycle to remind the religious right to vote for the Republican candidate that will support their bigotry.
That’s why, for the month of June, we’ll give 15% of our sales to Planned Parenthood. When the time comes, don’t forget to go vote in style.
In the meantime, check out our collections, get inspired, and help us start changing the world for the better.